Ye..Who Enter These Gates Without A Sense Of Humor..Abandon All Hope.
"Work like you don't need the money. Love like you've never been hurt.
And dance like no one is watching."
WE WISH EVERYONE A WONDERFUL JULY 4 WEEKEND!
WEDNESDAY, JULY 6, 2016.
We've Been Goofing Off.
Here's A Couple Jokes, From Last Month.
Urinals too high!
A group of 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack, (Churchill Downs) to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry (Bourbon), but mostly to see the horses.
When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.
The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one, holding on to their 'wee-wees' to direct the flow away from their clothes.
As she lifted one little guy, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, "You must be in the 5th grade."
"No ma'am he replied, "I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race but I appreciate your help."
Missing wife in Maine
The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, a Bar Harbor, Maine man answered his door to find two grim-faced Maine State Troopers. "We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife," said one of the troopers.
"Tell me! Did you find her?!" Wilkens asked. The troopers looked at each other.
One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news.
Which would you like to hear first?"
Fearing the worst, Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."
The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in the bay."
"Oh my God!" exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What could possibly be the good news?"
The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 of the best looking Maine Lobsters that you have ever seen and 60 good-sized Rockfish clinging to her. Haven't seen lobsters like that since the 1960's, and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch."
Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, then what's the great news?"
The trooper replied, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow."
Hey! Have A Fine Day!
FRIDAY, JULY 8, 2016.
Can You Guess Who This Is?
If So, You Win A Cookie.
We're Looking Forward To A Fine Weekend,
Hope You Are Too.
So, Have A Wonderful Day, And:
HAVE A WONDERFUL WEEKEND!
TUESDAY, JULY 12, 2016.
We Try To Get Out To Norwalk When We Can.
Summit Racing Has A Nice Facility Out There.
Love The Smell Of Nitro-Methane In The Morning.
Hey! Enjoy Your Day!
WEDNESDAY EVENING, JULY 13, 2016.
We Want To Welcome Jeff To Our Membership!
We're Looking Forward To Working With You Bud.
Nice Speaking With You.
We Have Some Really Cool WWII Photos From Vitebsk.
See If You Can Find Himmler.
Hey! Have A Nice Evening!
THURSDAY AFTERNOON, JULY 14, 2016.
Had One Hell Of A Storm Last Night.
No Damage, But Noisy.
We Need A Good Laugh. Thanks Greg!
FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY, AS WELL AS THE IDIOSYNCRASIES OF ENGLISH:
1. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA FLOOR.
2. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.
3. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?
4. THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.
5. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF- HELP SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.
6. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?
7. IF A DEAF CHILD SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?
8. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?
9. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?
10. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?"
11. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?
12. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?
13. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?
14. WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION TOILETS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL BREAK-IN AND CLEAN THEM?
15. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?
16. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?
17. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MUTE, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?
18. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?
19. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?
20. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?
21. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.
22. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?
(This one took me a minute)
23. DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY?
24. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?
Have A Nice Evening, And:
HAVE A WONDERFUL WEEKEND!
TUESDAY, JULY 19, 2016.
Beautiful Summer Day.
Greg Sent A Nice "Truck Guy" Joke. Thanks Bud!
My Wife Is Missing:
Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home...
Sergeant at Police Station: What is her height?
Husband: Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.
Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.
Sergeant: Color of eyes?
Husband: Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.
Sergeant: Color of hair?
Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can’t remember.
Sergeant: What was she wearing?
Husband: Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.
Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in?
Husband: She went in my truck.
Sergeant: What kind of truck was it?
Husband: A 2015 Ford F150 King Ranch 4X4 with eco-boost 5.0L V8 engine special ordered with manual transmission and climate controlled air conditioning. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed, which has a matching aftermarket bed liner. Custom leather 6-way seats and "Bubba" floor mats. Trail-ring package with gold hitch and special wiring hook-ups. DVD with full GPS navigation, satellite radio receiver, 23-channel CB radio, six cup holders, a USB port, and four power outlets. I added special alloy wheels and off-road Michelins. It has custom running boards and indirect wheel well lighting.
At this point the husband started choking up . .
Sergeant: Don't worry buddy. We'll find your truck.
I Sure Hope So.
Hey! Have A Damn Fine Day!
FRIDAY, JULY 22, 2016.
We Have A New Member, V, From Eastern PA!
We're Looking Forward To Working With You Bud.
We Also Have Another Good Joke From Greg. Thanks Bud!
A man and a woman who had never met before found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a Trans-continental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, 'Ma'am,
I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket?
I'm awfully cold.'
'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married.'
'Wow! That's a great idea!' he exclaimed.
'Good,' she replied. 'Get your own f*cking blanket.'
Hey! Have A Damn Fine Day, And:
HAVE A WONDERFUL WEEKEND!
MONDAY, JULY 25, 2016.
Hope You Had A Nice Weekend! We Did!
Great Joke From Greg, To Start Our Week. Thanks Bud!
I GOT MY CONCEALED CARRY PERMIT YESTERDAY MORNING.
In the afternoon, I went over to the local Bass Pro Shop to get a small 9mm handgun for home/personal protection.
When I was ready to pay for the pistol and ammo, the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."
Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control wackos running amok,
I did just as she had instructed.
When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out she was referring to how I should place my credit card in the card reader!
As an intelligent senior citizen, I do not get flustered often. But this time, it took me a while to get my pants back on.
I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.
They need to make their instructions to seniors a little more clear.
I still don't think I looked that bad! Just need to wear underwear more often.
I Hate When That Happens.
Have A Great Day!
TUESDAY, JULY 26, 2016.
Beautiful Summer Morning.
Our Good Friend & Member Eric Sent Us A Great Joke. Thanks Eric!
Will Help Us Get To Hump Day.
Months ago we talked about this, I have never gotten around to sending it.
A man walked into the Legion Hall and sat down to have a drink.
The bartender knew him quite well, they had been in the service together.
"Mike what's the matter you look like somebody beat you with a stick?"
"Well Charles" he said "I just realized the truth last night"
"When my wife little dog gets outside, I have to find him right away or she's hysterical"
"I left her figured she would get upset about that too".
"I stayed away for nine nights in a row, nothing happened"
"So last night I came home after she went to sleep and crawled under the covers next to her"
Mike took a drink of beer and stared off into space.
Charles asked what happened next.
Mike said "Well in getting into bed I accidentally woke her up"
"She screamed at me to lay still!" She said "for the last 9 nights you been Nice And Quiet!"
American Women treat men in this manner and then wonder why they can't find a good man or keep one..But of course:
If he didn't stay and gladly accept this treatment, he wasn't a good man.
Have a great day.
Have A Fine Day!
NEWSLETTER 2017 ARCHIVE
NEWSLETTER 2016 ARCHIVE
FRIDAY, JULY 29, 2016.
We Have A New Aussie Member, Gregory!
We're Happy To Welcome You, Looking Forward To Getting To Know You!
Our Good Friend + Member Bob Sent Us This Great Joke.
A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down.
The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"
"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"
"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back that have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $200 for your trouble”
"I'd be happy to," said the blonde.
So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts, and off they went.
Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified! There was the blonde walking down the street, holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd. With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde. "What are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $200 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo!"
"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde. "But we had money left over so now we're going to Sea World."
Hey! Have A Great Day..And:
HAVE A DAMN FINE WEEKEND!